Titled: Rant

How I, wasted my life so far.

I often blame others for poor circumstances in my life. It is sometimes a matter of compulsion for me to believe, that an incorrect or bad or misappropriate decision for my life was made by somebody else. This is incredibly often true for things my family chooses for me, because I am the lame kind of stuck up, as well as laid back kind of guy, whom you wouldn’t normally find, who simply to avoid inconveniene in his life, lets his family decide for himself. The family is rather cool – they don’t really impose their decision as much as should ideally be required for me to concede, but I let them do it. Isn’t family, especially the experienced elders, supposed to make a better more informed decision than I?

That’s not what this is about. This is actually supposed to be a rant on how remarkably stupid our purivew about ‘education’ and life experiences are. And how I objectively (as far as possible) figured out why I cared so much about what kind of friends I will make at the colleges I go to.

I spent the first upto class 10 being a lame stupid kid. I probably have not been as lame as other people probably have been – by which I mean, that I’m rather sure there exist people who spent upto class 10, with as much or more facilities than I had, being much lamer. That only offers the slightest reprieve to me. Because I know that a lot of people spent upto class 10, with as much or fewer facilities than I had, doing far cooler stuff. And I could blame my family for that too. But I don’t like to. I hate blaming others for circumstances in my life. I do it, especially a lot lately, but I hate myself for that. Because any mistake in my life is and can only be my fault. So I believe. Plus, even for the upto class 10 lameness, I really ahve only myself to blame, because I definitely had an above average exposure to random cool stuff I should’ve wasted my time doing, which my brother’d told me about, but I was too lame to understand then.
And by class 11, I like to think I had some semblance of thought and instances of coolness in me. I was still remarkably lame (mostly still am, but definitely was back then). But I thought, we will do cool stuff along side this lameness called the JEE preparation. It was still, theoretically, only supposed to be a learning experience wasn’t it?
It probably was/is. Though I wouldn’t advise it to anyone. At all.
It is probably a better learning experience than a lot of other experiences go, like some of my somewhat lame ‘friends’ (read: acquaintances) who did not do anything else cool in their life, studied for the boards and the ‘AIEEE’. I can particularly say that because I’m pretty sure I did better than them even in that one exam they studied for with particular focus. But that’s again off topic.

But that’s not a learning experience worth wasting one’s time, life, and everything of two years with. For some reason, my brother did, and probably still believes, that the JEE prep and IIT experience is worth putting an effort for. Maybe I’ll get out of IIT some experiences better than I would get out of other IIT colleges. Maybe I was so laid back/stupid/whatever-might-cause-whatever-happened-and-which-I-probably-shouldn’t-be, that I didn’t even get out of the JEE coaching stuff whatever I ought to have, and probably why I failed in the JEE, and why I’m so (self inducedly) sad with the follow up consequence.

But what I believe, after seeing really cool people do their thing, dance, or sing, or hike, and/or play Dominion or whatever else, along with doing math, or probably whatever else they want to do, and nothing else if so they choose that: one, it is important to, at least some extent, be decisively sure about what learning experience one really wants or values – the JEE coaching thing can be, for the sake of lyricism, ba called a journey through which I experience lots of failures, very few successes, but don’t really remember _learning_ anyhing valuable. You have a free of cost life, and lots of not very costly routes you can take to experience failure, and even get monetary or other more satisfactory returns than an idiotic notion of getting good marks, in a test testing absolutely nothing that will be of any value to you in pretty much any of your remaining ‘real life’. I probably didn’t have the exposure, or surity, that I could say I definitely want to do math, or whatever it is I want to do (which I’m tempted to say is math, but still can’t be infinitely sure). An experience is just a superficial thing.

Experiences are perhaps what we live our life for, so just taking on a journey because it has experiences, which you don’t know the quality or return pleasure value of, is stupid.


I believe that I live essentially for the experience of life. It’s fun. Sometimes it’s not. But as the hypothetical ‘they’ say it, that’s life. But it’s rather clear that one should try and optimize one’s life for maximum fun. Not for some superficial kind of maximum experiences. I will do this simply because it’s an experience. That’s probably okay if you’re trying out a new piece of food, because it’s likely you’ll like it (unless you aren’t the experimental and liking new food kind of guy I am), but probable that you won’t like it too. It’s stupid when you take up JEE coaching because you believe it’ll be an experience, alongside which you’ll be able to do other cool stuff you dream of doing. It, or so I believe by coming this far (which isn’t really far, it’s just an exasperatingly slowly covered little distance), is extremely stupid to take up the JEE experience, screw your life for two years, in hope for a probable four years of more enjoyable experience. It doesn’t remotely, seem worth it. It’s okay if doing the JEE thing is so beneath you, in terms of aptitude and capability, that you will pull it off simply by virtue of your coolness, and aren’t really missing out on any piece of your life in the parallel time period. But you must make sure you’re not overestimating yourself when you believe that in yourself. And I can tell you if you actually believe that, you’re almost definitely overestimating yourself. Not because the JEE is tougher than you think (it probably is, though my brother says it isn’t), but because when you’re cool, you don’t really acknowledge it or are even aware of it – you just are. That’s mostly what I believe from the extremely cool people I’ve seen al around me, and have felt pissed at how uncool I am. But my obsession with being cool is probably the clear reason why I am not cool enough.

So, when you pick on a life experience, think thoroughly about what you want out of it. The JEE is not, by my standards or interests, a learning experience. It is an experience, which was unduly sorrowful and not fun for me. But it is not a learning experience. Like school. School was a fun experience for me. I learnt stuff, but _school_ per se, was not the learning experience. I learnt out of my experiences. When I say learning experience, (and I did not know this explicitly when I got into the JEE thing thinking it’s a learning experience), I mean an experience in which I get to indulge in reckless learning. Learning, like an other experience, holistically seems entirely equivalent to getting to do bungee jumping or any other experience – they have a similar thrill, fun and factor of newness. I haven’t done bungee jumping, but I have had a few learning experiences. I can’t imagine the former being any *much* more fun.
A suitable learning experience, is apparently, rare, and tough to pick. It’s not easy to tell, that you’re really going to learng nothing with a particular focus in the JEE coaching, and it will end up being a lot like school – a jumble of entirely pointless ‘studies’ which you’re doing simply to pass an exam at the end of the ‘journey’.
A real experience is wholly contained within itself. Counterinituitively though, on R^2 with a usual topology, every experience is like an open set. There is a neighbourhood around every point, and it is not bounded. It is within itself, but with no pin-pointable boundary.
So if the JEE is a closed set, with an idiotic bound at the JEE, it is sequentially closed at the same event, but it’s complement is what’s really fun. =)





  • I’ll do that comment deleting thing and consequentially make this comment seem out of place, but after this reply to your previous comment. 🙂
    Now that I see, lots of people are in this look out for something they enjoy. To come to think of it, perhaps everybody, at some level or another, does have this concept of wanting to be involved in something they love, and thoroughly enjoy, and are committed to. It’s funny to see how the last being the easiest to.. fake, people do that very often with the most irrelevant of things. Clubs in school, those cultural and other events at college. They may not be as irrelevant, as ephemeral, but it’s funny to see how committed people can get, to something so outside of them, and disconnected from them. I’m not saying that wrong or lame, it’s just something I don’t see as lots of fun.
    And this pushing on’es life ahead in the elusive search for something they enjoy, but more importantly something that helps them survive, seems to be everybody’s thing all over. After JEE, irrespective of getting into an IIT or not, college is simply four years of wasting time, pretending to find something of interest, but really just doing… nothing. Gaining some superficial appearance of worth and competence, I guess.
    And with a majority of further education, especially MBAs after engineering degrees. Most hilarious sign of almost definite cluelessness.

    I think, it’s as tough to find something you love as probably, finding someone you love. Luck and perseverance and stuff (spoken from a complete lack of experience). Though the latter is much more easily engaging, and comes more naturally to most people. And at least we don’t have a training system to guide us against doing the latter, yet.
    I thought you were a lot into photography, at least. That seemed to be something you did rather excellently as far as my exposure goes!

    Let’s hope to enjoy our lives a lot, whatever might happen! 🙂