in Life

I want life, to be worth living

I want to experience a genuinely life threatening experience. Where my decisions, and those of around me, are literally, matters of life and death.
Movies are replete with such scenarios. All of drama and literature around us, especially the good sort, makes everything that happens in the story, critical, and essential.
How many chances does one get, to really make a decision that will affect his chances of life or death, in a substantial manner? I want the chance, to be able to literally value my life. To be clearly aware of the possibility of dying.
I don’t know why. There is that silly statement – toss a coin to make a decision, so you’ll know what you want to do depending on which side you’re hoping for. I’m rarely in a scenario so stupid that I need to resort o a coin toss, but even if I am, I can easily distract myself by the coin itself (probabilities? I’d much more often be tossing a coin simple to see how the results’ distribution wavers from, and still tries to remain close to half, and so on), to the extent that any hope or feeling about the decision is stalled till a side of the coin comes up. Though I’m much better with simply weighing pros and cons.
Just like that, I also think that in facing death, it’ll be rather easy to preoccupy oneself with avoiding death, such we’ll not be aware why we’re running away from death at all. What is there in life, towards which we’re running? Or are we literally just driving our lives away from death? Doesn’t the truth of this, feel horrible?
I want to be get a jolt of feeling. Something that tells me everything that I have. What really is my life worth living for? Why go on at all?
What will I most noticeably value if I was about to die. What reason will I have, to want to live? It feels terrible that I don’t already have an answer to this. I can’t concretely say, that this is something, apart from just generally having fun, for which I will defend my life. I will fight for my life.
I personally like that line a lot. You should live, for something worth dying for. That the purpose, is so strong, so overarching, that I can confidently die, if I know that it is a step to complete this job. It must be a beautiful feeling. Say, when the freedom fighters, swore their lives for the nation’s freedom.

Without a purpose, this entire life is such a waste. What am I breathing for? eating or drinking for?
I don’t think it’ll be any time soon, when I will know what I should be living for.
I hope I find it soon. I hope you find it soon. And we will die for – and when – our purpose shall be fulfilled.